Navigating Love and Life – Melanie Yates on Self-Discovery and Relationships

Brad Minus: [00:00:00] And welcome back to another episode of life changing challengers. I am super excited to have Melanie Yates on with us today. She is a relationship and dating coach, and she wrote a book called happy, joyous, and free love yourself, love your life, no matter what. 

Melanie Yates: I'm doing fantastic.

I'm so glad to be here. 

Brad Minus: Melanie, can you tell us a little bit about your childhood, maybe like, what was the compliment of your family?

Where did you grow up and what was it like to be Melanie as a kid? 

Melanie Yates: Wow. Well, I'm the oldest of four children and we grew up in Mission Viejo, California. I wanted to be an adult when I came out of the womb. I just wanted to be like adults and part of my personality. I think [00:01:00] was, I wanted to be bigger and an adult so I could do what I wanted to do.

I did not like people telling me what to do. Melanie wanted to do what Melanie wanted to do. So, I got along really well. With adults, and even though I had siblings that were younger than me, no, I did not want to hang and play with them. I wanted to play with adults. Remember my mom having dinner parties and inviting people over.

I'm thinking of a Christmas even where. It was going on later at night and we were all supposed to be in bed and I would sneak down and I would have conversations with adults until my mom said, go upstairs, you know, 

Brad Minus: I get it. Yeah, I was, I was an only child so that literally was the only people around, you know, was adults.

So, [00:02:00] yeah, I talked to adults before I talked to kids. And when I talked to kids, I was kind of a loner because I would talk to them as I was talking to adults. They didn't understand what I was talking about, so it was super interesting. So you had, you, you're the, you're one of four? 

Melanie Yates: Yes, I'm the oldest, and I also loved entertaining because that got me attention.

So I loved to entertain And be the life of the party, so to speak. Even a beauty pageant. I won when I was four years old and I did not win because of skill or. Beauty for that matter, because the way those go, the girls are wearing makeup, they're wearing princess dresses.

And my parents had no idea what it was all about. [00:03:00] The, the whole beauty pageant, especially at that age, at a very young age. So they took me to this beauty pageant and I didn't know my right from my left. And I remember my dad trying to say, Turn to your right before it started and I, he just gave up. He was, he thought, okay, this is going to be the one and done kind of thing.

And my parents couldn't believe these little girls were wearing these fancy dresses and diamonds and makeup. And I was just wearing a church dress, you know, I. Did not have my hair curled. I got up on that stage and something happened. The lights came on and I was acting. I loved the attention everyone was giving me.

The [00:04:00] lady was telling them, okay, turn to your right. And I just stood there and she was even turning her. finger around to prompt me to turn and I started turning my finger around. So I copied everything the judge was saying. 

Brad Minus: Oh my God.

Melanie Yates: I am, I am just soaking it in. She says, I want to take you home with me. I want to take you home with me. You see this little four year old just saying whatever she said. The moral of the story is sometimes you win. Not the normal way.

So I won a trophy that was bigger than me, took first place home, did not know my right from my left, did not follow directions. The mothers backstage were giving [00:05:00] my mom the evil stink eye because I was not prepared. I did not have the skill set. And I won. 

Brad Minus: That is a hilarious story. Oh my God. Cause I mean, you see the stuff on television, the pageant moms and stuff, you know, like I just, I keep thinking of, JonBenét Ramsey, but the pictures of her.

And you're just like the girl's five and the makeup and the diamonds and she's up in a bow and it's just like she's perfect and I'm like, why we put these kids through this stuff, you know what I mean? So the fact that you walked in there and said, well, screw the rules. I'm going out with a bang here and ended up winning.

That's fabulous. That's fabulous. 

Melanie Yates: The reason I like telling that story is because it's given me a lot of hope as an adult to remember what that little girl did to win, [00:06:00] not the normal way. And I didn't have any doubts or fears or No one had put me down yet. Right. At that point I was just being myself and I didn't have to be like everybody else. To me, the moral of the story is you don't have to be like everybody else to still be noticed, to win, to succeed, you can be yourself and that can pay off, you know, it's just, as we get older, what's happened to me is, you know, I've made mistakes.

I've fell down. I've been hurt. I've been rejected. I've been abandoned. And all those feelings and the fear of not wanting to, to fail or make a mistake or look stupid. [00:07:00] I mean, some of those people were probably laughing at me, like, what is she doing? And they could have even been making fun of me. And I did not see it that way.

I think my parents might've been even embarrassed too. And yet I walked away with the trophies. So I hope somebody gets something out of that little story of when I was about four years old. 

Brad Minus: We don't know how to be embarrassed.

We don't know humility. We don't know those things at that point. So we buck the system. And sometimes it pays off. And I think the difference between you and those other little girls or those little girls were given strict orders. This is what you're doing. This is how you're going to do it. They probably had some more experience.

They were put through the paces. So that's what they were told to do. And they're just hoping that they're going to get it right. And you didn't know any better. So you just were you. And sometimes that works out. There was plenty of times I know, and In my life and [00:08:00] then fortune 500 sometimes that, you know, I took a different direction, a completely different direction that nobody saw and sometimes in mind, I came out on top and got promoted and the whole bit and there were a couple of times that, you know, I didn't, you know, and I was, you know, I was put through the ringer, but, you know, those risks sometimes way.

So you're in California. So you went to high school and what were some of the things that you did in high school? I'm sure that you, with your personality, you probably did some sort of extracurriculars.

Melanie Yates: You know, it's so funny between elementary school and high school. I changed a lot. I figured out how to get people to like me and that was people pleasing and I, I wanted people to like me. I, wanted that so bad. There was this [00:09:00] really strong desire to be liked, to be loved, to get attention.

And maybe I wasn't getting enough attention. With my other siblings and maybe my mom had stuff going on that she wasn't able to give me that attention so this need for attention became a priority and my parents they gave me a wonderful upbringing of values and morals and I believe that we were Born with what's right and what's wrong And the environment I was raised in was also,

it was loving and there was a lot of principles and values, morals that were taught and I, I wanted to please my parents so bad. [00:10:00] That I was willing to cheat, to lie, to steal so that I could put this little picture for them to get their love and attention. It was like, I figured out, I need to tell them what I thought they wanted to hear so that they would love me.

So I would get attention. So if I cheated at school, I would get A's and that would give me. You know, compliments and approval. If I stole and bought candy and gave it to my friends. That was another way to get approval. I definitely lied because the need for that love and attention and approval was so great.

Even though I knew right from wrong, it didn't matter because I needed to be [00:11:00] loved more than that. And I just want to invite people as they listen to my story. To just see where in their lives they have been a people pleaser at their own expense and maybe even behaved in ways they wouldn't normally behave because they want someone to be proud of them or they want someone to love them or they, they're too afraid.

To be left alone or rejected. So this kind of started this, whoo, slippery slope, so to speak, because it kind of looked like rebellion. I was very rebellious. It was like question authority. I really started. You know, the religion I was raised in, you know, they didn't drink and that was, it was anything you told me, don't do.

I was like, I'm for sure doing that. But [00:12:00] at the same time, I want my parents to love me. So I'm lying. I will lie. I will cheat. I will steal to. Put this little act on and I was pretty good at it. My parents, they probably didn't want to know, but I was able to play off that I was a good girl.

And things just started getting more slippery and more slippery. I did not care about academics. I did have a dance background. I wanted to be a professional ballerina and there was a lot of eating disorder. 

Brad Minus: Okay. 

Melanie Yates: And issues there that really, it came down to, my director would say, you have the talent, but not the body.

And all things happen for the right reason, [00:13:00] because I did end up choosing to go into the medical field instead of be a professional dancer. I think I'm happy about that. I don't regret that at all. And I know now that people don't mind, or there's been some breakthroughs in ballet where there has been some beautiful curvy dancers, but you know, eating disorders, I think are just in general, even men.

Are now having eating disorders because there's so much media about having a beautiful body and trying to get your body to look like these beautiful bodies that we see on TV and in the movies, you know, so that's kind of like way to the left, but I was rebellious and I was, I'm glad I didn't drop out [00:14:00] of high school, but my actions were showing that School did not mean very much to me.

Brad Minus: Oh, I get it. I get it. Yeah. There's definitely a big portion of the society that puts a big emphasis on aesthetics. I'll tell you a little secret. Ballet tap and jazz, seven years. Wow. Yeah. I was, yep. And, I started at this tiny little studio in our hometown, and the town that I live in now is not small, but at the time it was.

And, it was just a small little studio. And, you know, I was learning from the woman who owned the studio and I started late. I mean, I started really late, because I was more, it was more about going into musical theater and I wanted this dance for a background, but I fell in love with dance and I was like, Oh my God, this is amazing.

And, so I moved to a different, to a different school and it was a [00:15:00] Russian ballerina. Who is, you know, an older Russian ballerina. She had to be 60, 70 years old at the time. And she sat in a chair pounding with her cane, you know, and you're every, all these girls and guys are on the bar, there had to be 30 of us in class, guys are dressed in white t shirt.

Black tights and the girls are in a black, black leotard, white tights, and everybody's doing the same thing at the bar and she's yelling, Brad, Brad, stop sickle foot, stop sickle foot, you know, she was put your legs together and she told me the exact same thing after, after a few classes, she's like, you don't have the body for him.

So yeah, no, the funniest part for me at least was I would leave wrestling, the wrestling team, like I'd finish up wrestling practice and I'd have on my wrestling tights with the, with the singlet on and I'd take off the wrestling tights and I'd put on my Dance tights and I leave did I get holy hell for that?

I gotta tell you man Cuz it was like I had [00:16:00] didn't it the my high school and the dance studio were not too far from each other So I literally could just you know, and I was 16 I had a car and I was like jumping the car was only a five minute drive so it's like go, I beat in the class, you know, and jump into class and I'd already be warmed up from wrestling.

So it was great. But, yeah, I caught holy hell for that. That was bad. So you said that you went into the medical field, so I'm going to ask you about, was there a turning point in high school or did it come later when you realized that you needed to like buckle down on academics? 

Melanie Yates: I was motivated.

Again, by wanting to do what Melanie wanted to do. So I knew I did not want to go to college unless I was going to have a secure job afterwards. So, and again, I wanted to be self supporting. So I didn't have to [00:17:00] listen to anyone. My dad's brother got divorced we were really close, like my cousins. It was almost like they were my siblings when I was growing up. And that divorce made me realize that I never want to be at the mercy. Of a man in a marriage where I can't leave because I have no way of supporting myself. That made a big impression on me.

So number one, Melanie wants to do what Melanie wants to do. Number two, make sure I have something to fall back onto. In case whoever I marry, it doesn't work out. And so again, number two is a lot like number one. Melody wants to do what Melanie wants to do and no one's going to stop me. I wanted to make my own money and I felt like the medical field would be a [00:18:00] secure place to do that.

I went to school right out of, high school. And the other thing was I needed to get out of my parents house because they were trying to tell me what to do. 

Brad Minus: And so 

Melanie Yates: You're seeing a theme here. 

Brad Minus: Stifling your independence. 

Melanie Yates: Yes. That I really was motivated by that. 

I need to get away from my, you know, my parents so I can do what I want to do. 

Brad Minus: Where did you end up going to college? 

Melanie Yates: I went to Utah State for a little bit and then I ran away from a boyfriend and I wound up here in Santa Cruz, California and finished out school here in Aftos, California, Central California.

Brad Minus: All right. So let's talk about that real quick about you running away from a [00:19:00] boyfriend, Utah. I mean, did he want, did he, you were in Utah, so did he want to share you, did he want multiple wives and you were ready to like leave or what happened there? 

Melanie Yates: You know, it's interesting because I.

Always wanted to date older people because I like older people because they're farther ahead of me and I think I'm farther ahead. So as an 18 year old, why would I want to date an 18 year old? He must've been in like 25. He had to have been at least seven years or so older than me. And you know, he had a car, but he also, Had a lot of things working against him and like, he didn't have an education.

And there was things that I wanted out of my life and as time [00:20:00] started going on, I, I could recognize that he wouldn't be able to provide those things. And remember, I don't have tools. I don't have, I don't know how to have relationships. That's one of the reasons I'm a relationship and dating coach today, because you know, if you just get into relationships.

And, you know, my parents just celebrated their 50th anniversary. And, you know, I'm so happy for them that they, that they are married and that they've shown us that, you know, you can stick it out with someone for 50 years. But it's not always, it's not, that's not always easy. It's not always happy times.

Like life is filled of ups and downs. And again, with the book, the reason I wrote happy, joyous and free love your life, no matter what is because [00:21:00] real life shows up and even looking at their marriage, a lot of different things happened in their marriage. And we all still have the agency and choice to love our lives.

And in that moment, I just, I didn't know how to be in a relationship. I didn't know how to break up. I didn't know how to talk about needs and desires. I was scared. I was really scared. And I thought maybe he wouldn't let me break up with him. And again, this people pleasing, persona that I had, I didn't want him to be sad and I couldn't do, I couldn't not please him.

And so I pretty much could play it out that [00:22:00] even if I said I wanted to leave, he would talk me into staying. I called my dad in the middle of the night and was, I just said, come get me. And my dad was fine with me breaking up with this gentleman and he came and got me and I literally packed up all my stuff when he was at work and never spoke to him again.

That, that's my, that is my first breakup. That's how I dealt with it. 

Brad Minus: Wow. Okay. So you were living with this guy. Wow. At 18 and he was 25. 

Melanie Yates: Yes, 

Brad Minus: Well, no, I mean, obviously people do it, but you went to school, you were going to college and university and you ended up, you like shacking up with somebody, you know, that early.

And here you were, you had this goal in mind, right? But yet you got, and we all have needs, right? We know we've got five basic needs, right? We need food, [00:23:00] warmth, water, shelter, and sex. It's just as with our five, our five basic needs. And we know that we need that. So, I mean, that, that, it doesn't surprise me that you did find someone.

And I mean, look at you come up, come on, that was going to be easy for you. But what I'm saying is, is that, but you had this goal in mind that you wanted to get it, you wanted to make sure that you were independent yet. You moved in with somebody else and we're not so independent. 

And with that people pleasing, I found that for a lot of people do that, right? And I don't blame you. That breaking up is a pain and it's hard and sometimes, yeah, you just don't want to hurt them, you know? So I get that. I totally get that. So you go home, and then you end up going to what University of California, Santa Cruz.

Melanie Yates: Well, it wasn't a university. It was actually a community college. I'm just going to put a shout out for community college. Cause I made six figures and I went to community college it was cheap. I got an [00:24:00] associate in science degree and I've done quite well for myself here.

Anyway, community college works and it doesn't cost as much as a university. Most people, when they're hiring you, don't really care where you went to school. Just saying. 

Brad Minus: Yeah, they're obviously you're getting into higher epsilon, epsilon, echelon stuff. And that's like medical school. 

And law school, you know, there's a lot of like big firms is that's what you're going for. I'll be like, we only hire from Harvard, you know, we only hire from Yale, you know, that there's that type of thing. And that's fine. That's that whole different industry. But I get it. So I actually, you know, I've been around medical field and healthcare field for a while.

And I know nurse preceptors, you know, charge nurses and stuff that take on nursing students. You know, or new grads and most of them will tell you they would rather have a nursing student that came out of a community college. Then they would out of somebody that's come that that went from high school [00:25:00] to, four year degree, got a BSN and then walked into the hospital because the kids from the community college, they work harder a lot of, a lot of the times they had to work while they were in the community college, so they already have a drive.

They don't have to worry about them, you know, having to Babysit them and the whole bit. So they got to learn from my community college. So I live in Tampa and they're like, I will take HCC, which is Hillsborough community college.

Take a Hillsborough community college student 10 times before they'll take university of Tampa student or university of Southern Florida student any day of the week and twice on Sunday. Shouts out for community college. If you see anything from turning point, Charlie Kirk, and he met with those guys, they'll tell you right now, college is a scam unless you're going for a specific degree.

You know what I mean? So you got an associate of science and you, and what was your specialty? What were you actually looking into as a biology or chemistry? 

Melanie Yates: Radiology. 

Brad Minus: [00:26:00] Radiology. 

Melanie Yates: So I got into radiology. So radiology is a lot of physics, a lot of physics with a X ray machines and stuff like that.

Brad Minus: So you walked out, did you end up getting that? What is it? A R. Something it's a, 

Melanie Yates: yeah, so I got a bunch of different certificates and mammography and interventional radiology and vascular x rays, trauma x rays. So it was, it has been an incredible career.

I worked at the community hospital here in Monterey peninsula for 

Brad Minus: 22 

Melanie Yates: years. 

Brad Minus: Wow. 

Melanie Yates: And now I get to be a coach and I, you know, you get to work around a lot of different people and personalities working in healthcare, there's a lot, there's a big range of education.

There's a big range of [00:27:00] prosperity. When it comes to clients or patients that are coming through. So there's a wide range of people to have relationships with. So I've, I learned so much about relationships. The reason I am a relationship and dating coach today is because of my first marriage, which, you know, I, we met while I was in school and I was driven to, to work and be ambitious.

And I started getting some stories in my head that, you know, I wanted someone to be at home.

Oh my gosh. This is even a little embarrassing that I, the, this, this vision, this like fantasy world in my head was [00:28:00] I wanted to marry someone who, Would be at my beck and call. Now, my dad was a workaholic and so I can see how this little fantasy came about that I'm willing to work and be the breadwinner so that when I come home, my husband is there waiting for me.

Brad Minus: You wanted Mr. Mom. 

Melanie Yates: I don't know if I was thinking, and I don't think I was, I was not thinking about having children. I was just, again, there's just this innate selfishness. That I had and this, again, this need for attention and approval, which again is selfish. Cause I'm thinking about me and what I can get out of relationships.

So these are how my first relationships went, right. And I, I picked [00:29:00] somebody who was willing to let me go to work and was willing to stay at home. You know, I thought that if I had the money that I would be. And what really happened is there was a power struggle in that first marriage. And there was a lot of pride, meaning both of us were kind of posturing to each other and competing over who has the power, who has the control.

And the only card that I had was. You know, that I make this money and in that process, I emasculated my husband and that's my part in why our marriage [00:30:00] didn't, didn't work out. I like talking about my part because are my mistakes and my responsibility because I truly believe. That if it's not my problem, there is no solution.

There's no solution if I can't admit I'm the problem. So, I got to learn so much from this first marriage. I would not trade the tears. The alimony I paid, the child support I paid, I would not change any of it. I learned how to finally take responsibility for my actions, my behavior, my choices, and I really became more aware about how self [00:31:00] centered And selfish I am.

And today I know that I am not by, by any means, perfect. I know I still make mistakes. I know I still think about myself a lot and I'm able to think about others in an, in a completely different way. And. One of the huge things about relationships that I love helping people with is resentment and it's really easy for anyone who is in an intimate relationship with somebody to get resentful, especially if you're people pleasing, meaning you're being nice at your own expense.

and you're expecting something in return and it doesn't happen, that's a sure reason that you are going to start feeling some of [00:32:00] this, angst coming up. And I found that maybe anger isn't the right word. I became very angry and it really led me to a spiritual bottom, a, an emotional rock bottom.

That finally, allowed me to do something different because I felt,

I felt like Melanie wasn't able to do anything. I felt controlled. I felt smothered. I felt like I didn't have any choices and I really played the victim. But before I left, I decided I was going to learn how to stop people pleasing. I was going to learn how to stand up for myself.

I was going to [00:33:00] learn how to articulate my needs and desires. I was going to learn how to listen. I was going to learn how to compromise. I did not know how to do any of those things. And my main motivation was because I did not want to get divorced and then attract the same kind of person and be stuck in the same kind of marriage.

It was too painful to ever choose that again. So I stayed in my marriage so that I could unfold, and really get honest with myself and, and my husband. I mean, I wasn't being honest. In fact, I was having an affair with alcohol. I loved alcohol. I used alcohol to deal what I perceived as shenanigans and to [00:34:00] deal with I'm not getting my way and I feel stuck, I feel controlled, I feel like I don't have any choices.

So I chose to use alcohol to numb my pain until it didn't work anymore. And I was just full of rage. 

Brad Minus: Yeah, so you went to the bottle for escapism. I've got a lot of other episodes on people that did the same thing and came out of it. So I am curious. I'd love for you to delve in and a little bit of detail On when you've started to find this stuff out when you know how I like to know startup offers because you did really have the group when you have the paycheck you have, we would think you would have control, right?

Because. Husband can't do anything, can't go grocery shopping, can't go out to the bars, can't hang out with his friends because you have the paycheck. [00:35:00] So, I mean, there is a little bit of control there, but you felt like you weren't in control and you were being told what to do.

What did that look like? Give us an example of that, please. 

Melanie Yates: So, I felt verbally abused, and I use the word felt because today I know it's the way I perceive somebody talking to me. It's the way I feel about myself that when someone else says it, it really hurts. So, it has more to do with the way.

I perceive myself. So I was using money to give myself confidence and you know, it really was fake. It was fake self esteem. It was fake confidence because I thought money was. [00:36:00] Giving me this power and really, I didn't have the tools to believe in myself. Looking back at it now, I can see I had really low self esteem, but I had this arrogance because of the money.

And because I thought I was better than him because I went to college and I can laugh at it now, but it was, I was really proud of, you know, prideful. And, you know, I can see how me acting like I'm better than you. What do you, what happens when you act like you're better than someone else? They have to act like they're better than you.

And he, I think he was just better at it than me. 

Brad Minus: Oh, okay. 

Melanie Yates: Yeah. So I was 

Brad Minus: looking for, yeah, so I was looking for like, just given us something like, so you said that you, it sounded like he would say something, you would take it the wrong [00:37:00] way and that therefore.

You know, it was, you were being verbally abused. So you walked into the, a 

Melanie Yates: The first thing that's coming to my mind is, you know, being at, so you mentioned my smile, it's hard for me not to smile, even, you know, even when I, I was back then, it felt like I was depressed, but I just have big teeth and I have a big.

Big features in my, on my face. And so my smile does feel like it takes up a lot of my face. Okay. So for me to smile at somebody, he would see that as a threat or, you know, and even during marriage counseling, she would, she called it bubble, like I'm bubbly and my bubbly personality was. And he felt like I [00:38:00] was, flirting and, and I thought it was a nice way that our therapist would say, you know, she has a bubbly personality and she did want me to try to tone it down.

And I really, now I know that. It already was turned down because I was already trying to people please at my own expense. There's only, I only know my side of the story and I just know in relationships. That's what happens, you know, there, there's two sides to the relationship there's, and most of it is just a misunderstanding.

And the misunderstanding usually comes from low self esteem. And that's where mine came from, [00:39:00] because if I believe in myself and I am confident, I don't have to take what you say personally. But so many times in relationships, that's exactly what happens. And then we don't know how to set boundaries or articulate the way I want to be treated, what I need, my desires.

I don't know how to ask for those. Just in my experience, I was so used to, I need a people please and do what you, I need to get you to like me and love me because I, you know, I'm so afraid of someone leaving me. I don't even really know where that came from, but it's like this need, for that attention and, it was threatening to the way I felt about myself.

And so I allowed him to [00:40:00] be who I was looking for to validate me. And he couldn't, he wasn't, and it wasn't his, I don't believe it was his job. to give me self esteem and to set boundaries. Like that's my job. 

Brad Minus: Yeah. Oh no, I get it. You know, and every lawyer will tell you the same thing, right? There's, there's three sides to every story.

There's your side, there's my side, and then there's a truth. And sometimes, sometimes the, you know, depicting what the truth is, is hard. And sometimes it's hard to take, 

Melanie Yates: you're like, 

Brad Minus: you're like, 

Melanie Yates: questions. You don't want the answer to, 

Brad Minus: But I mean, that's, I mean, that's the whole thing is just make my butt look big and you're just, and you're, and you're like. If you're truthful, you're going to sit there and say, well, yeah, a little, maybe you should try something else on and there's an insult. Then you say no. And then they walk over to the to the to the mirror and they decide that they think that their butt looks big and they're like calling you a liar.

So you can't win. [00:41:00] So yeah, so I, I like that. That's a don't ask questions that you don't, that you can't, you can't take the negative answer to, you know what I mean? 

Melanie Yates: For the men out there, when a girl asks you that you can say, well, what do you think ask a question back. 

Brad Minus: That doesn't always work either.

I've tried it. So, so, I'm gonna let that one go. But, you know what? I personally have gotten with colors, right? Like, oh, does this make my butt look big? You know what? What if you had those in black, you know, well, all right, well, I'll try it. Don't you, don't you think that looks better, honey?

Don't you think that looks better? Don't you? You can ask leading questions. Anyway, we'll go, we'll go out for that. So, all right, so this is, so this is interesting. So, but you worked on yourself during the first marriage, you started to figure this stuff out. 

Melanie Yates: I worked. And changed and transformed [00:42:00] while I was married, 

Brad Minus: while I 

Melanie Yates: stayed married.

Brad Minus: So if you were able to transform 

Melanie Yates: I changed. 

Brad Minus: So then why didn't it work out since you had got you done? Now you've done the work, you've gone to counseling, you change, you transformed, you learned how to care for others, so what happened? 

Melanie Yates: He didn't change enough. 

Brad Minus: And 

Melanie Yates: I loved him enough to let him go.

And I really believe that I learned to love myself enough. I know that we both did everything we could to make it work and. I feel good about that. I know I can look my kid in the eyes and take responsibility for my choices and there doesn't need to be any [00:43:00] blame. I know I have a working relationship with my son's dad.

It was a little rough at the beginning because I don't care who you are. No one, like, divorce is not fun. I mean, it is a death. It is a death of a childhood dream. All those books we've read is happily ever after. And I know that it affects men just as much as women to be divorced and it does not matter who initiates.

It is painful and it hurts. 

Brad Minus: There, 

Melanie Yates: there was some painful stuff. And you know what, I practiced having a professional, polite relationship and I'm happy to report, it's been, 11 years and we can sit next to each other at our son's football games. He's even offered his [00:44:00] chair to me before.

I mean, he brought a chair for me to sit and watch a game. It's more than just professional and polite. There's been a lot of forgiveness. There's no need for bitterness, even if you're wrong or they're wrong, because that's only hurting me if I stay bitter or angry. Sarcasm is a form of anger being, you know, being suspicious, being intolerant, snobbish that it doesn't, there's no need for it it takes a long time sometimes to forgive somebody that you have a lot of history with and painful history and maybe, Somebody's listening to this and it's like I will never forgive that person.

All I'm saying is there are ways and it might take time. [00:45:00] I just know for me, I would rather be happy than right about someone being wrong. 

Brad Minus: Agreed. 

Melanie Yates: That's what it comes down to. Would you rather be right? Or would you rather be happy? 

And just from my experience, that hasn't been helpful. 

Brad Minus: Well, I know that, the Love for Yourself, it's like 25 percent of your book. So, I mean, it's a huge piece that you go over about, talking to yourself and, thoughts and questions and, and like you mentioned, that it's okay to be anger at first, but then you've got to work yourself through it.

And then, like you said, much better to be thoughtful and polite and civil than it is to be sarcastic and angry. First of all, angry, sarcastic, bitter, that takes up too much energy and it takes too much time and the whole bit, it's much better to [00:46:00] just, let it go, say, you know what, we did this to each other.

We're done with it now. We're here to be together for our son. And we'll be polite to each other. And the politeness then will start to roll into something else. I know plenty of people that had what they called an amical divorce. We just kind of looked at each other one day and said, we don't love each other anymore.

Still hurts. And I talked to him afterwards and they're like, no, it still hurts. So what you were, I wanted to, that was a comment on what you were talking about, you know, how bad, you know, how divorces are always going to be painful and they are, you know, even the ones that are amicable. So, so for that, but yeah, but I, no, I agree with you, but I don't think that you can love somebody else if you can't love yourself first.

Is that something that you, is that something that you, that you realized in the, in that first marriage? Was that, Hey, you know what, I'm missing something and. It might, and you already, you already realized that it was you, which was great, you know, self actualization, right?

Melanie Yates: Well, you can't do anything about the other person. So you have to start with yourself. [00:47:00] And I used to believe that you can't change other people, but if you change enough, they have to respond to the change you've changed. And my marriage to my first husband was. Better the best it had ever been in that last year of marriage, we had the best marriage we had ever had.

And it just still wasn't enough. And to me, feelings, whether it's sad, whether it's anger, are signals. And it means it's information. And so it's not wrong to have a feeling it's telling you something. And anger can be used if it's used as a signal to let you know, like something's wrong.

There's a, if you're angry, there is information there that that anger is trying [00:48:00] to tell you something. It needs something. And as I raised my self esteem and my confidence, my ability. To stand up for myself and articulate my needs and desires were automatic. So there's a lot of books out there about boundaries.

Like if anyone is in a toxic relationship or a bad relationship or just A dysfunctional relationship. This can be with kids. It can be with parents. It can be with spouses. We have a lot of different working relationships with people in life. And these boundaries, when we start feeling better about ourselves, these boundaries are automatic.

If I feel confident and I love [00:49:00] myself, I will no longer put up. With baloney from somebody else. It doesn't make any sense to me. It's just so easy to walk away from. I won't tolerate it. And I recognize that even. Body language.

I think the way that I feel about myself today, people can see, I don't attract the same kind of people that I was attracting 20 years ago when I was selfish and always thinking about me and needing your approval and needing to get something from you to feel good about myself that doesn't happen anymore.

It's so easy for me to recognize I want to, I don't want to be in this relationship. Like I can be professional and polite, but you're in a whole, you're, you're in a outer circle acquaintance relationship with me, you know? It ends up happening [00:50:00] automatic. It's like, yeah.

You get to choose who you spend your time with. And I know you're probably thinking, well, I can't choose the people I work with. There are ways when you raise. Your self-esteem when you raise the bar of the way you feel about yourself, and that is through self-love, self-care, self-talk. I think people, I know I was oblivious to the crap I was saying to myself.

So I put up with a lot of things that weren't okay because it was, it wasn't as bad as what I was saying. So I was just going along with it. 

Brad Minus: That's a good point. And we, cause I actually talked to my clients about that, you know, when 

and they're in the middle of the suffering period. Right? So in the Ironman, when you're at 80 miles on the bike, the bike's 112, and then you have to turn around and do [00:51:00] 26. 2. That's where the suffering starts. And there's either you're talking to yourself. Oh, this is crap. I can't wait to get off the bike.

Oh, I'm cramping up, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then there's, okay, suck. I've been waiting for you. Ah, you're finally here. All right. What do you say we do this together? You know, and we start saying, okay, well, no, this is part of it. This is what I'm expecting. How have I, in my training, how have I gone through this before?

What have I said to myself? What did I use? In order to, you know, turn my turn my mood over, right? A lot of people, it's a, it's a lyrics to a song or it's a affirmation or, it's a poem or something that they have in their, in their head that they, they could just say, okay, you know what, last time I, I started doing the rap to the French Prince of Bel Air, you know what I mean?

It's like in my head, it's like it was Philadelphia born and raised on the way down is where I spent most of my days Filling out racks and relaxing all cool and you know and [00:52:00] coats on and that like whoa that like changed up my mood It got the endorphins going now I know where to go and I think it's the same thing as far as self talk goes instead of You know, instead of saying that, oh man, okay, I went to work, work was great.

Now I gotta go home to my husband and my kids. I don't want to do that. I'll go to the bar instead. There's got to be somewhere you got to turn that, turn that over and why, in fact, obviously, why do you not want to go home? Because you should want to go home. That's your sanctuary, right? I think that self talk is what you're talking about there 

Melanie Yates: I came up with this really great way to write out on paper.

And kind of uncover like what's underneath that feeling of I don't want to go home right now. And so I just asked myself these questions. So that's a great example. I don't want to go home. [00:53:00] Because when I go home, the kids need me, the husband needs me, I'm already tired, and they want me to make dinner, and the house is going to be a mess, I can't even make dinner if the kitchen is a mess, and I'm exhausted, so I don't want to go home.

I don't want to deal with that. So that's The who, the what, and the cause, right? 

Brad Minus: So 

Melanie Yates: then I, I have to ask myself, what does that affect? Does it affect my self esteem? Does it affect my relationships? Does it affect my ambition? Does it affect my feelings, my security? My health, my money, and then I, I go to this question, would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?

Because there's something in that cause that is threatening my livelihood. It's threatening my life, [00:54:00] the way I enjoy life, the way I want to be in life. So it's important for me to. acknowledge that the who, the what, and the cause is threatening my life. And I just go through our brain needs to use logic.

So by using questions, we pull our conscious brain, not our fight or flight brain, or our subconscious brain. Most of what our subconscious says is a complete lie. Like you were saying, your minds are saying, I don't want to do this. I don't think I can do this. If you ask that subconscious mind, is it really true? I can't do this. No, I've trained for it. I'm ready for it. This [00:55:00] is what I've been doing, you know, I've even done it before, you know.

So when I start asking questions to my mind, the logical mind can come forth and give me that confidence. that there's more to it. So after I see that what's happening is affecting and threatening my livelihood, then I can go into my mistake. So my mistake is usually some form. It could be like the seven deadly sins.

Like I'm either, I'm prideful, I'm slothful. There's, there's those, but also I think of, these five C's, which are Complaining, competing, comparing, controlling, condemning, criticizing. [00:56:00] So when I get into those C words, I start taking things personally. I start making everything about me. I don't consider that my kids are happy to see me and that's why, they're nagging at me and want my attention and all that.

And, you know, my husband really likes the way I cook. I don't consider any of that cause I'm just. myself. So when I start asking myself these questions, more is revealed about what I'm doing to make myself miserable. 

Brad Minus: Love it. 

Melanie Yates: And then I keep going because there's, once I can take responsibility, then there are choices.

There's always choices. I have agency, we all have agency. And once we take the inventory of this is my [00:57:00] programming, this is my pattern. These are my excuses. I'm sure you get a lot of, athletes that have, you know, they come up with excuses. We have to. We can now see if you relate with this that people actually get sick They will get an injury because they need an excuse or a way out.

Brad Minus: Yep, 

Melanie Yates: because it's so scary 

Brad Minus: Yes, 

Melanie Yates: it's so scary that their body literally sabotages them or they sabotage themselves because they, there's fear involved here. You know, something's threatening their livelihood and it's easier to get an injury than to fail at a triathlon. Am I right? 

Brad Minus: Hundred percent.

Melanie Yates: I've had injuries as well. And I'm like, wow, I needed that to get me out of this situation so that I could just be sick so I didn't have to deal with that. And [00:58:00] yeah, there's a lot of like the emotional pain.

Brad Minus: Yeah. And then you learn from it and you're like, God, I really did want to do that race. And I ended up getting injured or sick. And then you think back and you're like, God, I wish I really had done that. Well, if I've got this excuse.

Or do you? Did you somehow subconsciously get yourself sick or get yourself injured because you were scared because your absolute fear is, I find that fear becomes the turning point of everything. Really, when you get it down to the bottom line, a lot of it is fear.

A big point or a portion of it. There's the seven deadly sins as well. Don't get me wrong, but I think 

Melanie Yates: all of those stem from fear when, you know, yeah, fear is the number one. That's, that's what inspires the sins. 

Brad Minus: Yeah. [00:59:00] 

Melanie Yates: Because I'm trying to. I'm trying to protect myself. So it's just how, you know, we as humans deal.

It's how we survive. It's how we, you know, we've learned these ways to get by and some of them aren't helpful. That's why writing them on paper and asking myself some questions more is revealed about I'm choosing that. Or if I can at least admit it's because I'm afraid of failure. It's because I'm afraid of looking stupid.

It's because I'm afraid of making a mistake. It's because I need people to love me so bad. I'm willing to hurt myself at my own expense. Like. These are some of my, my usuals that come up on what am I doing to create this problem in my life? And then I can, I can [01:00:00] go to, well, what are my choices around this?

Am I believing a lie? You know, when we talk about that self talk, can I go back and look at Is it really true and what could be more true? You know, even just asking yourself, well, how am I going to feel if I don't do this race? 

Brad Minus: Yes. 

Melanie Yates: How am I going to feel if I start the race and I don't finish? Would I feel better if I at least started and tried and failed that didn't even show up?

There's ways to kind of help your mind see. The agency and the choice. And when you do that, you empower yourself, you inspire yourself. And then you can see that you're not stuck because most of us feel stuck when we don't see the choices and that feels powerless. 

Brad Minus: I get that. 

Have you heard of it? 

Melanie Yates: I don't know. Look it up. 

Brad Minus: Our deepest, our deepest fear is not that, that we are [01:01:00] inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. And there's the rest of it. So you have to take a look at that. It's a great poem, and I've got it up on my wall here, so that's why I know.

I've got it on canvas, like literally, it's right there, and I look at it all the time. But it's, it tells us about fear, and sometimes that fear, it's not the fear of failure, it's the fear of success. Well, 

Melanie Yates: because if I'm successful, I could lose it. If I actually have something to lose, then it's really going to be bad.

Brad Minus: Yeah. So, just to recap, you guys listen, anytime that you're thinking that something's going on, you're not willing to face something and you're going to go home and, you're not really crazy about going home. It's the who, what cause and what's the mistake. And that will lead you to the how, the hows and the whys.

That comes directly from our relationship dating coach, Melanie Yates, who I thank for being on the show [01:02:00] today. You're going to catch her at happyjoyousandfree. org and she's got some great stuff. She's got a set of products. She's got, coaching programs. You can get a free, consultation and figure out where you're going to be.

And then of course, her book, happy, joyous, and free love your life, no matter what. And that can be found on, on her site and on Amazon of which both of those will be linked down in the show notes. Didn't you say something about that you're in the middle of another book? Are you going to tease that out?

Yes, I am. 

Melanie Yates: I'm in the middle of another book and I'm taking my time with it. And you know, I just wanted to put a shout out to anybody who has a relationship problem. Please come see me for a free consult. I love relationship problems. I love solving problems and sharing the experience that I've had with all the [01:03:00] problems I've done myself.

And there are no new problems. There is absolutely no new problems so we can learn so much. The other thing I love saying is live a life of consultation because you don't have to do anything alone. You know, some of those relationships, the reason why they didn't work is because I did it for too long.

Trying to do it all alone and it just didn't work. 

Brad Minus: Yeah. And that's why she's now a coach to help people to get through that. And I, you know, I support that anything that you do a mentor or a coach can help. And it doesn't have to be, forever. You don't have to be in therapy forever. You don't have to be, have a coach forever.

It gets you to the next step in your life. And then you're left with tools. All my clients are the same way. When I take on a client, it's not for forever. Hey, don't get me wrong. I've got habitual [01:04:00] racers that have been with me for six years, but most of my clients are get me to this, give me to this race and I'm done.

And maybe two years later, they'll come back and I'll say, Hey, listen, I'm thinking about doing another race. There's an end date. And that end date is, you know, for me, it's a race for Melanie. It might be a solution to a problem and then the implementation of that problem, and then making sure that it sticks and then.

Maybe you're done at that point. 

Melanie Yates: Yeah, absolutely. That's exactly what having people in your back pocket are all about, you know, and once you have your tools, you can apply them to new problems. And so it's just nice to have another perspective. I think sometimes we only see our perspective and that's where a lot of my mistakes came I wasn't able to look farther than just in front of me. And so this has just helped me take my blinders [01:05:00] off and be able to practice asking for help because a lot of us, we don't want to ask for help. I never did. I never wanted to ask for help. So now that's the way I live my life. I'm happy to hear what other people can see because we all have blind spots, all of us.

Brad Minus: Absolutely. So that's you want to clear those blind spots. You need to call Melanie. So yeah. So again, happy, joyous and free. org. And so we'll have that link down and she's on. It looks like you're on every single social platform. Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, LinkedIn and Tick Tock. So we'll have all those links down in the show notes.

So Melanie, thank you so much for joining us. I totally appreciate it. If you are watching on YouTube, you can go ahead and hit that like button and the subscribe button. And if you want to hit that bell, so you get notified anytime we drop another episode, or if you're living on, on a Apple or [01:06:00] Spotify or any other podcast directory, go ahead and leave us a quick little review.

You know what? I don't even care if it's good. Even if it's bad, you're giving me some feedback and I can always help the podcast evolve. So with that being said for Melanie and myself, thank you so much for watching or listening and we will see you in the next one.